When Rivalries Spiral Out Of Control
Humans are desiring beings, we borrow our desires, we imitate those we admire; but what happens when you can't get what you want, when envy and pride take over, especially with those closest to you?
When a mother tenderly holds her newborn infant, cradling the soft baby in her arms close to her face, staring into those calm open eyes, her desires are washing over her child: desires for love and joy, safety and security, health and happiness, wonder and possibility.
As children, we grow up in intimate proximity to the desires of our parents. They shape us, we grow up in them, and we absorb them unknowingly for a decade or so before we start to pay attention to their desires, and ours.
What we desire, how we desire, and
who we desire is all profoundly shaped in our homes before we set out into the world. But our absorbing the desires of others doesn’t ever stop. They say that you’ll become like the five people you spend the most time with, whether you like it or not because we are desiring beings and we imitate those we are around.
We all know how this can go well for us: it looks like “birds of a feather flock together” - we share similar styles in clothing and music, we enjoy similar kinds of food and drinks, we like to travel to similar destinations, we find many enjoyable topics to discuss - this is the basis of close friendships.
But are we always aware of how this can spiral out of control with people who are in close proximity to each other? When you admire celebrities or leaders of reknown from a distance, the imitative desires rarely become rivalrous. But when jealousy begins to creep in between friends, lovers, and family members, when envy eventually taints their relationships, when grudges and pride start to harden their hearts towards each other, soon the rivalry will increase into a tension-filled spiral downwards.
Imagine two brothers who both want the favor of their father. Imagine two tribes who both want the greener pastures for their flocks. Imagine two cities that want uncompromised rights to the same river. Imagine two countries who both want to occupy the whole land fully.
Rene Girard, a famous and controversial French Christian literary critic and historian, writes extensively about this reality, summarized provocatively in his slim volume: I Saw Satan Fall Like Lightening. His profound observations on the example of Jesus Christ providing a way through and out of a rivalry spiraling downward out of control are stunning.
For those that would look to the life, teachings, example, and help of Christ Jesus in the midst of their own downward spiraling rivalries, they would see the role of humble awareness of their part in it, humiliating acceptance of their part in it, liberating confession and repentance of their part in it, empowering forgiveness of their part in it, courageous attention to making amends for their part in it, grateful abiding in Christ Jesus in this new sacrificial posture.
The truth is a powerful disruptor to the downward-spiraling rivalry. Trusting the truth is its own kind of sacrifice, and its own kind of liberation. Trusting the truth in love opens up your eyes and heart to see your rivals in a different light: with empathy and compassion instead of disdain and resentment.
While the spiral may still be out of control, maybe even a spiral of your own making, you can still participate in your own transformation in it, as we see in Christ Jesus caught between the rivalries of Rome and Jerusalem, between the children of Israel and the citizens of Caesar. Christ Jesus immersed himself in the downward spiral, rode it all the way down to the dark abyss of hell, taking on himself the envy and pride of those who condemned him to the executioner’s cross.
The loving sacrifice Christ Jesus made, his total forgiveness of those who put him to death, his example of humble power, and his being raised back to life from the dead by God all set him up as an alternative to those who would escalate the rivalries, fueling our envy and fears, stoking our pride and hard-hearts, crying foul while fouling our souls.
We see global rivalries spiraling out of control and we despair. We see in our homes and communities rivalries spiraling out of control and we become despondent. But we are not helpless.
There is what we can do with our own souls: there is One we can imitate, and there is The Way of being proximate to people that nourishes humility instead of pride, generosity instead of envy, friendships instead of rivalry. If we can sacrifice our ego and forgive those who spurned/scorned/scorched/scared/scarred our souls, we can be free to love in truth, trust with courage, and live in the power of The One who will reconcile and heal all things.
If we would believe it. It is hard to believe it, and it requires being proximate to others willing to believe it and live it…