Five Healthy Ways to Love Toxic People When We Are Afraid

What can you do when friends who you were close to become a source of pain? How do you still care for them even while it hurts?

1. Bless them; but with boundaries (instead of endlessly ruminating bitterly).

2. Forgive them, for your sake (instead of letting your resentment be a way their toxicity keeps it’s grip on your heart).

3. Patiently prepare for their repentance from a distance (instead of staying close to change them impatiently).

4. Be compassionately empathetic in your perspective: hurt people hurt people (instead of taking it personally, know that people pass on their trauma…).

5. Speak the truth in love: for healing not revenge (instead of minimizing the pain or exaggerating it, let the courageous honesty do its work).

   

“First, do no harm” is a phrase attributed to the Hippocratic Oath, an ancient pledge of doctors for how they will care for their patients.

It presumes that there is already harm inflicted upon the spirit, mind and body, so take care to not add to it. Caution is advised, as some “remedies” cannot be undone.

Alongside caution is humility - listen to the patient, hear their story, let family fill in the blanks - this is a common complaint against doctors these days, they are too busy to really listen.

Underneath the caution and humility is an oath to only bring pain that heals, to only apply pressure or make an incision that will draw out the infection, remove the cancer, and strengthen the innate healing properties of the person in their presence.

Inspired by this oath (and the writings of Dr. Leon Kass, Dr. Paul Tournier, Dr. Lewis Smedes, and others…) in my work as a Christian minister, I’ve had the opportunity many times to sit patiently with friends who have been hurt by each other.

Whether it was listening as a youth worker, a pastoral counselor for couples, neighborhood association leadership, or professional development conversations locally, nationally and globally there are profound commonalities to when people who care for each other get hurt by each other.

And then there’s me, and my own humiliating role in hurting people close to me, and being hurt.

But central to my wounded identity as a Christian is the healing invitation of Jesus, amidst this hurt, trauma and toxicity in our world: love your enemies, pray for those who mistreat you, slander you, make trouble for you, who hate you, forgive those who hurt you...

When considering healthy ways to love toxic people in your life, one of my presumptions is that we become like the people we are most proximate too.

This is the danger of being too close to unhealthy people, we can’t help but be changed by them. You know the old adage: “it’s easier to pull people down than to pull them up.”

So while the urge to get space between you and toxic people is understandable, it’s not always possible. What if they are part of your family, or workplace, or neighborhood, or church and you are committed for other reasons to stay there?

And even if you could get space between you and them, their influence on you still has to be dealt with, since hurt people hurt people, and you’ve been hurt by those you loved so what can you do to not pass on that hurt to others you love?

In the teachings of Jesus and the New Testament there are three kinds of loves that get discussed: friendship/kinship love, erotic/passionate love, forgiving/reconciling love.

Friendship love and passionate love are common to us all, it is what makes life interesting, fascinating, worth living.

We’ve also learned that passionate love comes and goes, it can get sparked easily, sometimes surprisingly so, and it can transform a friendship love powerfully, but then the passionate love can die down just as quickly and what is left is the changed friendship love.

For those of us who are immersed in the powers of jaded passionate love and broken friendship love, we are invited to consider the powers of forgiving/reconciling love. Why?

Well, if we’ve learned anything about humanity the past few thousand years, the very loves that inspire us and move us to action also wound us, betray us, disappoint us, fall short of expectations, leave desires unfilled.

Friendship loves and passionate loves can hurt us. And then we pass it on and hurt others, and so it goes on and on and on. What can we do?

It would take a power greater than us, from outside us, a love to stand alongside us, a love to be with us in our suffering, a love to wrap it’s power all around us to invite us into a healing way forward that allows us to let go of the bitterness and malice and allows us to move forward in courage, in healing, in power.

That’s the premise of the five suggestions listed above.

How do you “de-tox” from the harm of others whom you had intermingled your life with either in passionate love, friendship love, or both?

The forgiving/reconciling love of God is our power to respond to their hurt with mercy so that our heart can move on stronger in kindness instead of just harder or more numb in hateful resentment or indifference.

We are loved by God; we can trust that in Christ Jesus all our own sins are forgiven, that God holds nothing against us, that God is not mad at us or disappointed in us, but only has love for us, only has loving-kindness for us and wants his powerful healing love to be fully alive in us, for our own sakes and those of our family and friends who are in proximity to us. (And for those who are toxic/traumatiezed/hurt - who might also be family and friends who are in proximity to us.)

Depending on the severity of the situation, professional counseling and other services may be strongly suggested in order to navigate the complicated nature of your situation.

It’s always wise to get the most wisdom you can to do the next right thing that brings you closer to healing and wholeness in a traumatic world.

It’s also always wise to get proximity to wise friends who will truly listen, who will be with you in your suffering, who will bring the friendship love of loyalty, faithfulness, gentleness, patience, and goodness.

We know that not all wounds can be healed right away, some might leave you with a limp, some with a scar.

But whatever toxicity you’ve experienced, please consider the way of God’s Love as a healthier way, a more courageous way to respond when we are afraid. There will always be toxic people in the world, and since we become like the people we are around, the strongest antidote to the wrong-doings of others is to bravely love them back - in the forgiving way of Jesus, with a healthy spirit, grounded in the truth of Love.

“Whoever battles monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster himself. And when you look long into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”

Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 1886 AD

“You have been told to love only your own people and to despise ‘others’ as your enemy. But I tell you, treat your enemies with love and respect, and send up good prayers for the ones who make trouble for you and bring you pain.

This will show that you are [brave] children of your Father from above, who sends his blessing of rain on the ones who do right and the ones who do wrong.

If you love and show respect only to the ones who do the same, how does that bring honor to you? Even [monsters] do these things. If you welcome only friends, how are you different from others? Even [enemies] do these things.

By loving and blessing all [the monsters, all your enemies], you will be walking in the footsteps of your Father from the spirit-world above, who [loves like this] in all his ways.”

Jesus of Nazareth, Gospel of Matthew, 5:43-48 (First Nations Version) 26 AD